Little Surgery.

Watching two girls and a guy drag themselves about on knee’s with cut tendons, faces sewn into assholes, is a bit messed up.

At least, it would be if the acting and goddamn plot was even remotely accurate or well-executed. This is a film that has attracted so much hype for its sheer horribleness and disturbance, the disgusting concept of making humans into a centipede and forcing all but the very front member of the ‘pede to continually eat faeces.

So lets start at the beginning. The Human Centipede is this:

  • Two American Girlies on euro road trip. > Car gets a flat, poor helpless heeled girls run through the forest in search of help and walk into psychopathic surgeons house.
  • Creepy motherfucker/aids face/surgeon Dieter Laser, drugs the girls and locks them in his ‘research cellar’ with Japanese guy who at first appears to have balls, then ends it just before potential rescue by slowly slicing through his neck with broken glass.
  • Some poor escape attempts.
  • DISAPPOINTING SURGERY. Bad face-to-ass bandaging.
  • Some poor attempts at ‘teaching’ the now connected girls and Japanese guy by Dr Heiter (cane, domination attempts, dog bowls)
  • More of the above, some swimming.
  • Cops arrive, half get drugged, go, come back with search warrant, both die by scalpel to the neck and bullets (x2) to the bellyish area followed by accidental drowning.
  • Japanese guy/front of centipede selfishly hacks at own neck until death. Girl #2 dies of assumed poo ingestion/infection
  • Girl #1 is left alive, making distress noises with a dead girl sewn to her ass and her face sewn to the ringpiece of a dead Japanese guy. Nice
  • THE END.
THIS IS A VERY DISAPPOINTING FILM. Connecting three people together requires more than one surgeon and max 2mins of surgery. There is no recovery time. The girls cannot act. The Japanese guy throws in the towel after the cops arrive. The cops are a bit pathetic.
South Parks Humancentipad was a vast improvement. Watch that instead.
It could have been so wrongly epic.
IMDB tells me Human Centipede II is being made (100% medically inaccurate). Dear god. No.

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